In the name of accountability, here’s an update on what I’m calling my “reconciliation with faith.”

It’s been up and down.

There seems to be this pattern where as soon as I decide to start being diligent in my scripture study again, things in my life suddenly start to go wrong. I start to feel this weird inexplicable dread. Things that shouldn’t upset me really do and I can’t explain any of it. All my most natural instincts then point to my scripture study as the culprit. I wonder if I should stop. I question why this would happen. My very effort to restore my faith seemingly crushes it entirely. It doesn’t make any sense but it seems to always happen.

There’s this old lesson I always remember someone giving me. The teacher drew two stick figures, one had a lot of flies around its head and the other only had a few flies. The teacher then asked, “if the flies represent temptation, which person is less righteous?” The answer seems obvious. The person with all the flies around them.

Wrong.

Satan doesn’t need to send temptations when we’re unrighteous, when we aren’t trying. We’re doing his work for him. No, it’s when we’re trying to come closer to God, when we’re trying to restore our faith, that he besets us. With temptations, with doubts, with that weird inexplicable dread. I was pointing the finger in the wrong direction.

In the past few weeks, I’ve been able to see my way out of this funk and see just how much good this whole experiment is doing me. I feel more in control of my life and myself. My nature is changing. I had to remind myself, perhaps even relearn, that if there are stumbling blocks in my way, that simply means I’m moving forward. I’m moving closer to exactly where I always long to be.

Happy Sunday, everybody.

xo

eb