Well, my experiment is not going the way I thought it would.
For those of you who don’t know, a few weeks ago, I made the decision to recommit to faith. I was never inactive in the practical sense. I always go to church, I believe in God, and I’ve never drifted away from the values and commandments of my religion. But my heart hasn’t been in it. I wasn’t engaged or progressing or coming closer to that God I believe in. I would feel uplifted and hopeful on Sundays but I wouldn’t do the things necessary to carry those feelings throughout the week. So for the past few weeks, I’ve been conducting an experiment to see if I could change this about myself. If after so much time with an inactive heart, could I really experience a change of one?
Well, it isn’t going the way I thought it would. I thought it would be easier and that my life would change drastically immediately. And that God, so pleased to have me back, would make my life very easy to show me I was doing the right thing.
It surprises me every single time this doesn’t happen. And I don’t learn that lesson this time, it’ll certainly happen again.
Things haven’t been easy. I’m not sure my efforts are enough or that I’m even changing that much. But I have been having a change of mind, if nothing else. I’m thinking that my actions matter more than my feelings. I’ll feel doubt or like I’m a bad person but now instead of stopping there, I evaluate my actions. Are they good or bad? If they’re bad, I can correct them and not just feel like I’m bad. But if they’re good, and this is the experiment, then why do I feel bad? I’ve been asking myself that question and it’s been making me think that you shouldn’t trust your doubts so much.
I’m starting to think that “feeling like a good person” isn’t the goal. Maybe the measure of a person is their actions, their effort. And when you’re trying, and I’m really trying, you won’t have to just hope you feel like a good person. You’ll know you are.
Happy Sunday, everybody.