Today, I’m inspired to look for empowerment in the mundane tasks set before me.
This morning was chaotic. Sunday mornings usually are but today I had to do everything on my own. I have been dreading today for weeks, maybe even months as Matthew’s trip has been on our calendar since last fall. I obsessed all last week about everything I would need to do, the order I should do everything, and everything that could go wrong. What if Ella wakes up when I’m feeding Jack, like she almost always does? What if I sleep through my alarm? What if I get lost going to church using the backroads because I never drive on the highway without Matthew? What if the car gets stolen? What if I’m stuck at the house the entire time Matthew is gone? What if, what it, what if, what if– until it’s 4:11 a.m. and you’re on your phone looking at rugs on Amazon because it would really pull the living room together and you want the house to look nice when the police come to investigate your missing vehicle.
That’s how my anxiety works, by the way. Rational worries and completely irrational fears get put together as if they’re all equally likely.
So I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night and this morning was chaotic. But everything got done. None of my fears were realized and I made it to church in one piece and on time. And I didn’t have to do anything extraordinary- I had to dress myself and the kids, feed myself and the kids (who are we kidding? I didn’t get fed), drive twenty minutes to church, and keep them both occupied for an hour until it was time for Ella to go to her little class. I didn’t save anyone from a burning building or fight crime or change the world but somehow, I feel super human. I take for granted all the help Matthew gives me and how much he does around here and hopefully when he gets back, I’ll remember to appreciate him more. But while he’s gone, I’m going to really appreciate myself and the effort I put into today so that we could still make it to church. I considered skipping it, I more than considered it, really. And I’m so glad I didn’t because if I had, I wouldn’t know that I could do it. I wouldn’t know my own strength. I wouldn’t feel the satisfied exhaustion of a job well done. I wouldn’t feel empowered by the mundane tasks.
Happy Sunday, everybody.
P.S. Also, if I had skipped church, I wouldn’t have forced myself to figure out the self-timer on our camera.